No cry it out
A post on Facebook recently got me thinking about a subject I've not thought much about for a while, and after engaging in a dialogue about it I thought I'd share my thoughts here.
I used to talk about this a lot as a mum of babies and toddlers, but as they've grown it's not been in my awareness so much, but I was always passionate about it, since it had played a fundamental part in much of my life for a very long time, and it was down to emotional clearing and meditation that I found the help I needed. Therefore it feels relevant to the support I provide now, so here it is.
Why babies shouldn't be left to Cry It Out
So the post was a share of this quote: “One of the ways children have to adjust to a new order is called 'letting them cry themselves out'. The Mother puts the child into the crib at night to sleep. It is bedtime. But the sense of aloneness and the loss of contact with the mothers body terrifies the child, who begins to scream and cry. No animal mother would fail to respond to a baby's cry. Some human mothers believe, however that to respond would be wrong. To give in to a child's crying will spoil the child. Besides, they have been told, crying is good for a child... The first time this happens the child might cry for hours before falling asleep. The mother might think the child has learned a lesson, but, the child doesn't have the energy for a repeat performance... After several experiences of this kind, the child learns to give up the struggle for contact with the mother. In effect, the child has cut off the longing for his contact and so no longer feels the pain of frustration. A new reality in which the desire for intimacy and closeness is not expressed, has been accepted. The foundations for narcissism and the borderline personality have been laid." Alexander Lowen, Narcissism, Denial of True Self
Of course the conversation got heated because you always get parents defending their choices, and you always get those, like me, who have reason to know how damaging this practice is first hand. And there's every shade in between too.
The first thing I'm going to state that is often triggering for anyone who has done this, is that it is a form of abuse! There are countless studies to prove this now, but many parents who still want to choose to do it will counter that with comments like: ' I did it and it worked', or 'I was left to cry it out and it did me no harm'. I'd always like to go into those people and see just how much harm it's likely to have done, since almost everyone has symptoms of trauma in one way or another, it would be good to see if any of these people have trauma based responses that could stem from this.
That whole comment 'it never did me any harm' is one of the most over used for defending potentially harmful choices used to raise offspring that I have ever come across. Also used widely to defending hitting children (or spanking as many like to use to try and tone it down, but hitting is hitting). That's a whole other blog post though I will go into another time.
you're absolutely correct! My mum was abusive to me, both through leaving me to cry it out as a toddler even, not just as a baby, so I have memories of it, and through smacking me. I've always called it what it was though, abuse, and in fact when my mum realised the damage she'd done to me when I was 21, she was utterly devastated.
Fortunately through various ways I have released this trauma completely and ended the story in my karmic line by choosing a very different way to nurture my own offspring. One of my biggest lessons was in fact truly forgiving my mum because I realised I in part chose a more conscious way because of the hurt she had caused me.
Abuse is still abuse, it the healing from it that is important now, for both our selves and any who follow us.
if it makes any difference at all, and I've spent several years telling parents this, some times it makes them think and some times it doesn't. I was left to cry it out by my mother. I was 2! I remember it! I hurt me, a lot, mentally and emotionally!
For many years I couldn't not sleep without being in a state of anxiety. To ease that anxiety I used distraction, like music, listening to books, having my partner hold me, because yes this followed me right into adulthood. In fact I was over 40 before the anxiety around going to sleep alone was released.
So sure it works because a child gives up hope of being responded to, but at what cost? Do you really want your precious offspring to go through 4 decades or more of anxiety at bedtime, even if they never show it. By the way my mum died 4 years ago never knowing that she'd caused me this anxiety at bedtime! It also cost me close to £3 grand to get the help I needed to get to the place of being able to sleep in peace. How much better would it be to find ways now to help your little ones sleep that are free, easy and won't cause pain?
It doesn't have to be about judgement! It can be about helping and supporting stressed out, busy mums to find a better more compassionate and nurturing way. I'd never judge a mum for doing what it takes to keep her sanity. However, I'd feel awful if I knew she was going against her intuitive, nurturing nature because no one had ever told her there were more conscious ways, even if she's stressed, busy and at her wits end. Leaving babies to cry can be as traumatic for the mum as for the babies!
As someone who was left to cry it out at an age that I remembered it into my adult life, and who then had to factor that into the healing journey I’ve been on, please don’t leave your babies to cry at bedtime. It releases stress hormones which will impact their life long into the future.
And if you are a stressed out mum who needs support with this, please book a free chat and some of the wisdom I’ve gained from 15 years as a mum can be passed on.